Off Days

Sometimes I still have "off days", even with my happy medicine.  Usually it has to do with hormones and that time of the month.  I hadn't known a good way to describe the emotions that shut me down.  I just knew I was sad and kind of lonely.  I knew I kept repeating that I wanted to go home, in my head, even though I was home.  It finally dawned on me that it is like extreme homesickness.

I don't know why that particular sadness is triggered this time of the month (and some months are worse than others).  It used to be far worse, and nearly everyday before I finally found the right doctor and medicine (and a trip to the hospital but that is a story for another day).  I used to be suicidal, but not anymore.  At least not to the point where I don't know that the emotions overwhelming me will pass.

Before I had this, I used to think people with depression and other mental illnesses like it just needed to buck up and get over it.  We all feel a little down from time to time.  Even grieving for loved ones is a natural emotion that needs to be experienced and lived through.

But this is different.  There is no reasonable explanation for this terrible homesick feeling.  I have my wonderful house with five acres, and my critters.  Life is pretty good.  But the brain occasionally hiccups and I have my off days.  And those days I don't want to do much of anything.  I will care for my critters, but going to the grocery store is not a good option for me.

I brought myself to putting this on the blog because I thought maybe this will help explain myself to some people, and maybe, if I am lucky, reach someone who needs to hear that off days happen, and that they too will pass.